Sad little girl...

I was not able to write about this last night, it was just too emotional.
We had dinner with our adoptive friends A and S, their teenage son and twin babies, and since they speak Chinese fluently, it's really nice to hang out with them. Plus they are super nice and sooo funny! We're having a great time with them. Anyway, the staff at the restaurant was just ohhhing and ahhhing over our children, and it is a normal thing for them to just grab them and take off with them, walk around, talk to them and eventually bring them back. I could already tell when they were doing it with Nina, that she was quite comfortable with the idea of going with someone else, and she was a little hesitant about coming back to us. I don't know if that was a part of what triggered the saddest breakdown I have seen in a long long time: As soon as we were back in our room and getting her ready for bed, her bottom lip started quivering, and big big tears just started spilling out of her little eyes. She kind of tried to hold it back, trying so hard to be brave, but pretty soon she was just sobbing. We held her close and rocked her and tried to comfort her, but we were obviously not who she wanted to be comforted by. She allowed it, but we were second choice by far. We cried right along with her, as the grief in her little heart and body was overwhelming. Didn't we just write about this was going to have to happen at some point? Yep, we thought we were ready for it. NOT. The pain of her loss is so real, so deep, and she is OUR DAUGHTER. It hurts so much to see your child hurt. Every time. Whether it's Nico, Anya, Alex or Elia, and now Nina too. You want to take their pain away, and sometimes you just can't. All we could do is hold her and pray for her. For healing. For peace. For a new sense of belonging.

She has definitely struggled a lot more in the last day: She goes from being content to hitting us in a split second. From affection to total rejection. She goes back and forth on who she favors: Yesterday and this morning it clearly was Mike. Then it was me. Right now she's okay with either. And I really didn't think this would bother me, as I knew (in my head) that this usually happens. Blah Blah Blah.... it hurts, it stings. I'm so used to being emotionally very close to my kiddos. I breastfed them all (sorry if this is too much information *ha*), so I enjoyed the very exclusive bond I had with them. To feel like chopped liver is not a whole lot of fun! Don't get me wrong - I'm SO thankful that she loves her Daddy, but I just want to be honest with you, that the things that I thought I was ready for, are not quite as simple and easy when you're right in the middle of them.
It was very cute though.... this morning litte Miss Spicy Girl got up waaayy to early, and to let Mike sleep a while longer and to get in some Mama time, we headed downstairs for breakfast. Just us girls. When we were done we started back to the elevators, and Mike had just gotten off one of them. I showed Nina that Daddy was coming, and she squealed in delight, shouted "Baba" (=Daddy), started running toward him and jumped in his arms. How very very sweet!

I have been feeling like this too: I just want to run and jump into my heavenly Daddy's arms. Because I know and believe that that is the only place where we're ultimately safe.

***** Deutsche Version: www.chinagirlswitzerland.blogspot.com Titel: Traurig *******