One year reflections

One year ago, two red thumbprints and a read handprint sealed Nina's adoption. We were going to be bound to each other forever. There was so much anticipation, so much love, and the willingness to commit to this little stranger that we had just met, but that had totally won us over in less than 24 hours.

Now, after a year has passed, she is definitely part of our family. I would like to share some of my thoughts and my heart here, because that's what I have promised myself to do, and not to leave out some of the tough stuff.

The first few weeks at home were very draining, you may remember some of my posts about that time. Our older kids crashed after the "anticipation high", and everyone scrambled to find their new spot, and to fit Nina into the picture. They all reacted in different ways, but eventually came out of that adjustment fog. For some it took longer, but I'm so thankful to say that I truly believe they have found their inner balance again.

Nina adjusted easily, it seemed. This still really amazes me, given the huge change this was in her life, and how she just kind of went with the flow, loving all those new experiences.

For me, it was such a blessing to have Big'e Anja (I don't know if we'll ever stop calling her that *LOL*) here, just to have that extra set of hands and her friendship.... (we love you, girl!).

The second half of our first year together has been more difficult in many ways, as well as easier in others. The biggest obstacle I think I have found is myself. My bonding process to my little girl is still ongoing, and I struggle with that. I had this image of myself being the oh-so-loving super-adoptive-Mom, and trust me, I'm not. Yes, I do love Nina, absolutely, and I'm so glad she is here, but there is still a good portion of that based on commitment, and of doing the right thing. We have beautiful moments of a deepening emotional connection, but there is still room to grow. I think this is definitely the challenge in adopting a preschooler - you meet them at a point in their lives when you typically deal with some really annoying age-related behaviors (whining, defiance and temper-tantrums...) without having had the benefits of the "cute and cuddly" kind of baby phase. I find that I don't have much tolerance for those behaviors, and they annoy me more than I'd like to admit. I seriously don't know how God puts up with all his adopted children, because he NEVER gets us at the "cute-and-cuddly" stage - EVER!! Yet his love is so complete and so selfless and shining so brightly and I marvel at that. I know that the more I dwell in HIS presence, the more I will have the strength to be the Mom he wants me to be. I have been lacking greatly in this area. The devil has been very successful in whispering all kinds of lies to my heart. And I know the Lord is just waiting for me to realize that I can't do it with my own strength. I have done a good job trying, and I just does not work!!

A few days ago I watched a photoshow that Julie, the Love without Boundaries foster care coordinator for the City of Loudi, had put together. She visited Loudi in the spring, and seeing the pictures of the places Nina had lived in for so long, was very emotional. I was able to send some pictures of Nina with Julie, and in one of Julie's photos it shows the orphanage staff looking at Nina's pictures. Talk about a Mama being a total mess!! It's so easy to forget how very different her life had been until a year ago.

I really believe that she loves being here. For the most part, anyway :-).
She still LOVES to color, but boy is she a perfectionist! She can have a complete meltdown over a little rip in a piece of paper, or a unwanted scribble on her picture. She is very impatient with herself, and if she doesn't succeed right away, she'll throw a fit and completely destroy the object of her desire. She does a great job playing games and taking turns, and she really likes to help, and I can always count on her doing little chores if I ask her to.

She is very much a girly-girl, and loves anything pretty :-). We're thinking about putting her in ballet lessons in the fall - I think she may enjoy it better than soccer!

We have some mealtime struggles that we are trying to work through (control/power issues), but she continues to like pretty much all foods! We will be going to our favorite chinese restaurant tonight to celebrate her adoption day!

I just found out that she will have a spot in a preschool class in the fall, and I'm very happy about that. It will be at our local center for early intervention, and although she does not need any early intervention services, she will benefit from that environment and the knowledge of the staff there (plus they have THE KILLER playground!!!!!). They were such a lifesaver for me when Alex went through their early intervention program, and I'm looking forward to going back there with Nina. She is very, very excited about going!

She is very torn between wanting to be little, and stay little, and wanting to be big like Anya or Mama. I assure her all the time that she can stay little as long as she wants to, and that seems very comforting to her, but that someday she will want to be big.

Really, over all she is doing wonderfully, and maybe I just need someone to smack me over the head and tell me to get my big girl panties on (Mike thinks I'm way too hard on myself :-) ).I do much better when I focus on the blessings than on the difficult moments, and I DO believe that things will continue to improve. I mean, they are not bad AT ALL, and I feel kind of silly putting it that way, but hey, there you have your honest one year assessment :-))

Updated measurements as of 7/8: Weight: 32 pounds (14.5kg); Height: 40 inches (101.6cm). She has grown 1 1/4 inch in 6 months, and gained 1 pound.

I just love the support of all you blog readers, and you guys mean so much to me. Thanks for letting me share my heart, and not judging me for it (if you do, don't tell me *ha*). Thanks for rejoicing with us, and praying with us, and being on this journey with us.....