OUR daughter...

During this adoption process and before meeting Nina there were so many unknowns and worries - and I would like to reflect on some of them.
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IS IT HER?
On Monday, right before we left for the Civil Affairs Office, I grabbed one of Nina's referral pictures and put it in my neck pouch thingy. Mike asked my why I did it, and I told him, that I wanted to make sure we were getting the right child by comparing her to the picture we had of her. Somehow I feared that I would not be able to recognize her. I had myself attached to the image of the serious faced girl eating a piece of bread, and what would I do if she looked totally different? Would I know that it's her anyway? As you have been able to tell for yourself, she looks just like her referral picture, just a little bit older. So no confusion there. We definitely received the right girl. Was this such a silly thing to worry about? Truthfully - yes. BUT, the fears that I had just show the unpredictability of this process, and the feeling of "I'm at the mercy of this giant chinese organization called CCAA". Adoption IS a leap of faith, and if you are considering adopting you better anticipate lots of emotions you never had before!
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WHEN WILL SHE FEEL LIKE MINE?
We both have been wondering a lot about this one? Will we feel like we are babysitting for a while? How will our feelings towards her be compared to our biological children? I have to admit, that even though I felt connected to her since our referral, it was not a true mother-child bond. It was more a bond based on MY excitement about adopting her, MY projection of her, a bond based on my dreams and hopes for all of us. When I read of people that are sobbing when they receive their referral picture, and are exclaiming "I'm so in love with her already", I used to feel just a bit of envy. I had not felt that way. I was commited to her, I WANTED to adopt her, no doubt, but my emotions were not quite there. I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. And of course you never admit those feelings, either. It is true though - my connection to Nina was very incomplete. So yes, I did wonder about this question.
The minute this little girl in her pink and white polka dot dress walked into that room at the Civil Affais Office, the missing piece fell into place. Just like that. For the first time I felt that yearning of a mother's heart. We had come full circle.
She feels like mine.
She IS mine.
My bond is not as deep yet as with my other children, and that's okay. It will grow. It will strenghten. But it's there. It's firmly planted into my heart. It's a relief. An answered prayer. Grace. Nothing but GRACE.
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IS SHE CUTE?
Maybe this is just me: I have looked at hundreds of referral pictures and blogs over the course of the last year. I'm addicted to the Rumor Queen. And to the SN Yahoo groups. And I look at them, thinking things like "Oh, my, this child is just drop dead gorgeous!" or "Well she has a cute.... uhhh... nose". I mean, it's a fact that we are such visual people. And some kids are very cute, and some just aren't quite as cute. And referral pictures - over all - are bad. Before our referral I was hoping for a VERY CUTE child. At the same time I was worried I would make a decision based on how "cute" she is? Human, but not right. I knew that one. When we received Nina's referral, I did not think she was a particularly cute child. And I was relieved in a way, because we could make a decision that was not based on cuteness, but on faith.
Her little face grew on me. And now that we are here, I look at all the babies and children (local and adopted) that we are meeting - and there are at least 15 other adoptive families here at the Dolton) - and I think that MY daugther is the absolutely most beautiful child of them all. All of a sudden the way I look at her is not from the outside anymore, but it comes from within. Straight from a Mother's heart. She is OURS, and she is PERFECT, and she is BEAUTIFUL. And I'm so serious about it it's not even funny. God is so good!
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SMELLS
I admit - I'm a "smelly" kind of gal. Now don't get me wrong - I don't stink (very often *haha*), but I'm kind of smell-sensitive. It was really bad when I was pregnant (still hate "Happy" by Clinique), and I can still remember the smell of certain places from when I was pregnant. I still remember the smell of my Grandpa's skin, and he died 30 years ago when I was just a little girl (wwhoops, dating myself here!), or the smell of my Mom's purse, sitting next to her in church every Sunday.
And I only like the way OUR kids smell (okay, there are a few others that have made their way into the inner circle of Smellies, but they are all related). So anticipating Nina's smell was another thing I had been wondering about. I did buy the same special lotion from Switerland that I had used on all my kids and that represents my favorite "Baby-smell". And I'm using it on her and loving it! But, she came to us clean, but with somewhat of a foreign and musty odor to her, especially her hair. And guess what? It did not bother me one bit! Now to you that might seem trivial, but to me that was HUGE. Again, she smells like MINE! What a miracle!
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I feel like such a lucky Mom: I have 5 wonderful children, actually the 5 most beautiful and handsome children out there, they all smell wonderful. Fact is, they are all this to ME. Their Mama. Without reservation. I'm so blessed. And to have Mike who is my best friend and a great husband, just makes things even better.

*****Deutsche Version: www.chinagirlswitzerland.blogspot.com Titel: Unsere Tochter *****